Ode to Goodbye

These angels left me for a while
I hope they would come back for me
I miss their angelic voices
Their smiles filling my heart with joy

Tell me that you're still with me
Ready to catch me when I fall again
Your soft whispers tickles my soul
When things are not in their proper circulation

Hold my hands once again
Fill the empty spaces between them
I want to feel ones again your warm embraces
Wrap me in your wings like you'll never leave me

I pray to God that he may allow us
To see each other even for the last
It's near that I'll come walking tall
A son embracing his fathers call

A Pilgrims Journey

Pilgrim's Theme

Tired of weaving dreams too loose for me to wear
Tired of watching clouds repeat their dance on air
Tired of getting tired of doing what's required
Is life a mere routine in the greater scheme of things

Through with taking roads someone else designed
Through with chasing stars that soon forget to shine
Through with going through one more day - what's new
Does my life still mean a thing in the greater scheme of things

I think I'll follow the voice that calls within
Dance to the silent song it sings
I hope to find my place
So my life can fall in place
I know in time I'll find my place
In the greater scheme of things

Each must go his way, but how can I decide
Which path I should take, who will be my guide
I need some kind of star to lead me somewhere far
To find a higher dream in the greater scheme of things

The road before me bends, I don't know what I'll find
Will I meet a friend or ghosts I left behind
Should I even be surprised that You're with me in disguise
For it's Your hand I have seen in the greater scheme of things


This song reminds me everything about how my vocation all started. It explains myself and how I feel for God. My direction is uncertain, yet God leads me to the path I chose. I have my dreams, I have my goals but they are all empty. It is he who fills me with everything while I am in my journey. To the people whom God has used to be an instrument in helping me and believing in me, thank you. I will be firm with the help of your prayers. To embrace God's call and not to turn away from it.

A Conversation to my Lord

Lord, there are many things that I do not understand about you.
So many questions that need answers.
You told me that you'll answer these things in time... In your time.
Pero nakakapagod din maghintay.

Lord, ang hirap mong sundan.
May mga times na ramdam kong malapit ka sakin at akala ko hindi ka na aalis.
Pero saglit lang akong lumingon at di ko na naman maramdaman ang kamay mo.
Bakit sa pinakamahirap at sa pinakamasakit na paraan ako kailangang sumunod?

Bakit kailangang mangyari ang mga bagay na ito sa akin?
Bakit ako pa? Marami namang iba dyan. Hindi makasalanan na tulad ko.
Maraming beses na kitang binigo, pero naririnig ko parin ang matamis mong tawag.
Bakit sa kabila ng lahat, pinili mong mahalin ako? Isang makasalanan.

When I feel afraid and lonely, I don't want to call on you anymore.
I feel unworthy because I've offended you many times. Yet you know everything.
When I feel down. Hinahanap kita, pero madalas bakit di kita makita?
When I feel tired. I tend to choose the easy instead of the right way.

Bakit mo hinahayaang mangyari ang lahat ng ito sa akin?
Hindi kita maintindihan. Minsan gusto ko nalang sumuko.
Minsan nararamdaman ko nalang na para akong laruan.
Walang buhay. Ikaw lang ang may hawak. Gusto ko rin namang maging tunay.

Sa maraming taon na lumipas, alam mo kung paano at gaano kita minahal.
Pero bakit ngayon ko tinatanong sa sarili ko, Pagmamahal nga ba iyon?
Minsan ayoko nang maniwalang tunay ka. Dahil nasasaktan ako. Andyan ka nga ba?
Lord, please. Kaylangan kita ngayon. Ikaw na makakapuno ng puso ko.

Growing with You

Punong-Puno
Ni: Ron Evangelista

Tulungan mo akong lumago
Lumago gaya ng isang puno
Punong payapa at mayabong
Ikaw lang ang tanging sandigan
Nang sa buhay ko ay di mabuwal

Silungan ng mga nangababasa
Takbuhan ng mga nangagugutom
Pinatibay ng pagmamahal mo
Pagmamahal na higit pa sa buhay
Kaya't patuloy kitang pasasalamatan

Nawa'y tumagal ako ng mahabang panahon
Lumalim ang mga ugat na nakatarak sa iyo
Lumago ang sanga hangad ang langit mo
Matibay at matatag na sandalan
Ikaw poon ko at tanggulan

Sa aking mga huling sandali
Inaalay ko ang aking mga kahinaan
Sa buhay kong puno ng paglago
Anuman ang magiging katapusan
Magsisilbi ako ng walang hanggan

Worth the Sacrifice

Human Weakness

Only in Heaven We Rest

"Sometimes we must be tired, exhausted, overwhelm by some discomfort. However, let us take courage: up in heaven we shall rest forever."

October 15, 2005 in Don Bosco Technical College at around 8:30pm I had this so called Anxiety Attack.

I was rushed to the emergency room of Lourdes Hospital using the car of Luis. The whole upper half of my body was numb and was very cold. I was open about what will happen next to me.

Sa emergency room, I was asked kung meron akong nakasamaan ng loob, kung nalungkot ba ako, umiyak and kung anu-ano pa tungkol sa emotions. I told the nurse na nagconfess ako before mangyari sakin un. Oo, umiyak ako dahil binuhos ko sa confession ung nararamdaman ko for the past months.

Bawal daw sakin ang magisip, ang mastress, ang malungkot at ang sumama ang loob. Magttrigger yung attack anytime since I can't take any medicine dahil baka hindi ko pa kayanin ung gamot.

Im sorry dun sa mga taong nasasaktan ko... I feel kasi na Im so unfair sa inyo. Unfair dahil madami akong iniisip na tao, bagay, trabaho atbp. Pero hindi ko magawang maisip ang sarili ko. Hindi ko nga ba alam, ang nasa isip ko, sa bawat situation, ibang tao muna bago ako.

May mga tao akong magpahangga ngayon ay iniisip. Kumusta na kaya sila. Wala akong magawa kundi ang ipagdasal at magtiwala kay Jess na okey sila. Higit sa pagiging okey, masaya sila. Hindi ko na kasi sila nakakausap sa mga bagay-bagay. Hindi na tulad ng dating malapit ang loob nila sakin. Hindi na tulad dati na naipaparamdam ko na mahal ko sila. Pero hindi lumilipas ang araw na hindi sumasagi sa isip ko ang kalagayan nila. I've done my part as a friend... higit pa dun... isang kuya. Sabi nga namin ni Jesser nung mga nakaraang araw, "In God's Time" magiging maayos din ang lahat. Im keeping his promise. I have faith in him that everything will be fine.

Malapit na ang DAYS. Excited na ako. Kailangan kong magpalakas para harapin ang mga susunod na hamon ni Jess.

"Man was born to work, and only the one who works with love and constancy finds the burden light."

Anu pa man... kay Lord pa rin sa Huli.

Career mode na toh. Ayoko sana gamitin ang salitang "decided" sa present situation ko ngayon. Pero I believe na kung ano man ang mga nangyari, nangyayari at mangyayari. Its the will of God. In my case, believe me, pero 1 -whole sem ako bago nakapagajust sa college life. Pwedeng sabihin ng iba na mabagal ako magadapt pero yun ang totoo. Pero more than that... YUN AKO. Ngayon, yung mga pagkakamali ko dati pinipilit kong punan ng mga magagandang mga nangyaayri sa buhay ko ngayon. Natanggap ko na yung sinasabi ko sa aking 2nd entry... talaga nga palang Sanayan Lang Yan. Kung binuksan ko ang isipan ko noon pa man. Di na siguro ako nahirapan. Wala na sigurong mga nagalala. Pero ngayon... nararamdaman ko na ang bunga ng lahat ng pagkalito at mga sakit-- Pag-asa.

Alam ko sa sarili kong marami akong gusto. Di nga madalas makontento sa isang bagay. Pero hindi ganoon ang buhay. Hindi lang basta "dwell in the present" pero sana... habang we're dwelling at the present... inaalam natin kung saan nga ba ako magiging masaya.

Sa totoo lang... hindi naranasan ng isang ordinaryong teenager na nasa edad ko ang mga naranasan ko... nagpapasalamat ako kay Lord for this wonderful gift. Nais ko nang isara ang chapter ng buhay kong ito. Alam kong hindi ako naging ako sa mga nakalipas na buwan. Salamat sa mga taong dumamay sa akin. Ang mga kabataan na naging inspirasyon ko.

Nais ko ngayong ipagpatuloy ang buhay... na mayroong direksyong sinusundan. Tatapusin ko muna ang aking 4yrs sa Don Bosco Technical College sa course na B.S. Entrepreneurship. Kung sa mga panahong yaon ay naririnig ko parin ang tawag. Sa palagay ko... wala na akong ibang dahilan para tanggihan pa siya. Sa ngayon, nais kong sabihin na gusto ko muling magpakabanal.[parang corny pero totoo] Aalagaan muli ang bokasyon ko. Sa iyo na bumabasa nito. Sana tulungan mo rin ako na tulungan ang sarili ko. God bless us!

I Seek You for I Thirst

Though many times, I run from you in shame,
I lift my hands and and call upon your name,
For underneath the shadow of your wings,
My melody is you.

Oh Lord, I seek you for I thirst,
Your mercy is the rain, on the desert of my soul,

Oh Lord, I lift my lifeless eyes,
And see your glory shine, how your kindness overflows.

Though many times, I run from you in shame,
I lift my hands and and call upon your name,
For underneath the shadow of your wings,
My melody is you.

Oh Lord, your sanctuary calls,
I yearn to be with you, in the rivers of your soul.

Though many times, I run from you in shame,
I lift my hands and and call upon your name,
For underneath the shadow of your wings,
My melody is you.


Sana nga Lord, ganito kaming nauuhaw sau. Sana nga naiisip ka namin sa tuwing bibigyan mo kami ng pagsubok... sa tuwing may darating na sakit... sa tuwing nararamdaman namin ang pagiisa. Ikaw nawa ang maging tubig ng buhay namin... ang pumapatid ng uhaw... ang pumupuno sa kakulangan... ang nagbibigay ng lakas para harapin ang susunod pang mga bukas.

A Hail Mary for You

In preparation for the birthday of Mama Mary, I started to pray the rosary last week until now whenever I am vacant. This is my gift and I want it to be a continuous devotion to her. And of course, I want a blow-out from her!ü blow-out naman jan! hehe! (Its between me and Mama Mary nalang...) Naisip ko... since the rosary has many "Hail Marys," I offer them all to the to the people I love (each of the beads represents a particular person...)and pray for their intentions.ü

Bukas na birthday ni Mama... Ikaw, may gift ka na ba? Ano bang gusto mong blow-out from her?ü Batiin mo naman sya sa birthday nya...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MAMA MARY.ü

"Have devotion to Mary and You will see what miracles are." - St. John Bosco

It is Madness

To hate all roses
because you got scratched with one thorn...

To give up on your dreams
because one didn’t come true...

To lose faith in prayers
Because one was not answered...

To give up on your efforts
Because one of them failed...

To condemn all your friends
Because one betrayed you...

Not to believe in love
Because someone was unfaithful or didn’t love you back...

To throw away all your chances to be happy
Because you did not succeed on the first attempt....

I hope that as you go on your way
You don’t give in to madness

Remembering always ...
Another chance may come up
Another friend
A new love
A renewed strength
Be persistent
Look for hapiness in every day

The sure path to failure is to give up! It is often through failure that future success come – KEEP TRYING!

God bless you.


This message was sent to me by Kuya Gary. He is really my source of inspiration often when I feel alone and down now a days. This message struck me when I read it this evening. When I was reading it, I didn't noticed that I was already crying.

The message is full of hope, but upon thinking about my present condition today, I begin to realize and begin to ask myself if I was growing and being more mature to what the present situation is demanding from me.

I have loved many things in my past. I have realized that every experience is unique. It can't be compared to any experience. It will not be the same people anymore. It will not be the same feeling anymore. All we can do is to learn to accept that many more will come. Many experiences with people that you'll meet in your journey. Many more trials and sufferings will surely come and yet we are all reminded to look for our hapiness day by day.

Born to Love: Loving is Forever

"Once you love that person, you never stop loving him."

In our lives, we meet many people, we make friends to these people and we eventually end up in loving them. People come and go. This is the fact that often gives us pain, and fear. The pain and fear of loosing someone.

As time passes by, we become attached to our love ones. There are chances that even our hapiness depends on them.

But the feeling subsides. Naturally, we should grow. And growth never stops in knowing someone that you've learned to love.

Eventually, we would tend to reach out to others and continue our journey of growth. We make the choices and decisions to fulfill our missions in life. Though it may hurt us often to detach and leave our comfort zones for us to still search and descern for our own growth, it will help us realize that it is the reality that we never ever stop loving the persons that had already become part of our growth.

They might not be anymore around when you need them because they're gone to search more opportunities to grow, but we must admit, loving never stops because they're not present with us. I know, "MAY PAKI PARIN AKO. KASI MAHAL KO SILA, KASI NAGING BAHAGI SILA NG PAGIGING AKO."ü


Prayer: Lord, thank you for giving us the opportunity to feel and give love. May we use this gift to grow, not to have fear and pain in loosing someone and to entrust ourlives only to you. Amen.

I am Superman

Superman
Five For Fighting

I can’t stand to fly
I’m not that naive
I’m just out to find
The better part of me

I’m more than a bird...i’m more than a plane
More than some pretty face beside a train
It’s not easy to be me

Wish that I could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
About a home I’ll never see

It may sound absurd...but don’t be naive
Even heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed...but won’t you concede
Even heroes have the right to dream
It’s not easy to be me

Up, up and away...away from me
It’s all right...you can all sleep sound tonight
I’m not crazy...or anything...

I can’t stand to fly
I’m not that naive
Men weren’t meant to ride
With clouds between their knees

I’m only a man in a silly red sheet
Digging for kryptonite on this one way street
Only a man in a funny red sheet
Looking for special things inside of me
Inside of me
Inside me
Yeah, inside me
Inside of me

I’m only a man
In a funny red sheet
I’m only a man
Looking for a dream

I’m only a man
In a funny red sheet
And it’s not easy, hmmm, hmmm, hmmm...

Its not easy to be me


Prayer: Lord, it's not easy to serve without expecting for a reward. Its not easey to be "Superman." Sometimes we would forget ourselves for sevice. This is the challenge of being a servant-leader. May we as leaders realize that we should do things for your will and may it be our inspiration to be satisfied in doing service for others. Amen.

Meeting the "God Of Irony" [part 2]

And I introduced him to one of the core groups of the VESSEL (G2 wahahaha!). Dami nya nakilala one of them was Ate Tin, a teacher in Makati! (sobrang magkavibes ung dalawa!) Yun, mukhang okey na sya. May kakaibang saya sakin habang nakikita ko ang taong ito na nakangiti habang nakikisalamuha sa mga taong marahil dati'y di nya naisip na makikila nya. Di ko hiningi ang pasasalamat sa taong ito. Sapat nang alam kong napasaya ko siya sa di lang panandaliang panahon. Gusto ko rin magpasalamat sa kanya. Sa mga bagay na naishare nya sakin, mga ngiti, mga luha, mga yakap at mga experiences sa aming mga pagsasama. Salamat sa pagtitiwala at sa pagmamahal.

Hanggang ngayon, nandyan ka parin. Di ako umaasang hanggang sa huli'y kasama ka. Kasi sakin sapat nang nandyan ka. Asahan mong di kita tatalikuran anu't ano pa man ang ating mga pagdadaanan.ü

Prayer: People come and go Lord. Thank you for the loyal friends that I have. Kahit marami na ang dumating at umalis. Nandyan parin nakaabang lang, nagmamatyag sa akin. Marami akong kaibigan na di ko napapansin at marahil di napapahalagahan, bigyan nyo ako ng pagkakataon upang sila'y mapansin, mapasalamatan at gugulan ng panahon upang palawigin pa ang aming pagkakaibigan. Salamat po sa kanila. Alam kong tulad nila, ikaw din, nandyan lang, nagmamatyag, nagaabang at nagmamahal. Kahit minsan di kita napapansin... nandyan ka parin tulad nila. Salamat. Amen.

Meeting the "God Of Irony" [part 1]

We were sophomores then... section 220 ako. There was this guy with the name of John Mark V. Tuazon in section 210. Wala lang... pag recess, lunch... kulitan. Behind all the laughs, kulitan, asaran and everything. Secretary at key holder ng class kaya laging una sa pinto. At sa tapat ng pintong yaon namuo ang isang pagkakaibigan. I had my plans for this person. Initial impression ko sa kanya- mahirap basahin ang pagkatao. Magaling magtago ng emosyon. I became interested in knowing this man. There, the mission started.

This is not an ordinary person. I know... I feel. Sa mga mata ng taong ito... nakita ko ang pagkalungkot, pag-iisa at pagtatago. Sa mga kwentong aking nangaririnig sa mga taong nakapaligid sa kanya... dito ko nalalaman sa kung paano ako dapat gumalaw.

Naging classmate ko sya. Ginaya kasi nya course ko. hehe! joke! Ayun! 29th of July 2003 days before our recollection, birthday nya. Friday and I wanted to surprise him. Ayun, I asked him what JM really wanted for his birthday. "Webcam" oh dba! ang luho! hehe!ü On his birthday, after being dismissed namadali kami ni Friday para bilhin un, naku wrong timing pa ang fever ko nun. Bumili kami ng food para pagsaluhan at ung gift namin sa kanya namatagal na nya wish. Alam ko naging masaya sya. Masaya rin ako nung araw na yun. Kahit may lagnat! haha.ü

One night, I phoned him. Daming kwento... in the end, I invited him to join me in the VESSEL, a community of youth forming youth.ü Ang lalim! (uhmmm mahirap explain ehhh!) to be continued... (antok na ako PRoMISe!)ü

Maalong Paglalayag

Ako ang Kapitan ng aking barko
Barkong nagnanais maglayag sa kalawakan ng dagat
Handa na ang lahat, desisyon ko nalamang
Ngunit batid ko'y hindi ako makausad

Nagtataka sa aking nararamdaman
Bakit tila kahit anong pilit barko'y paandarin
Hindi makausad sa bigat ng dalahin
Nararapat pa bang barko'y pilitin?

Lumalakas na ang alon
Namataan na mayroong bagyong papaparating
Kailangan na tayong makausad barko'y baka abutan
Kapitan! bakit tila wala paring pag-usad?

Ang angkla! nakababa parin ang angkla
Maayos ang lahat, ito ang dahilan ng di pag-usad
Huwag iangat ang angkla sabi ng kapitan
Sa huli'y nasa kanya pa rin ang pagpili


Prayer: Panginoon, Ako ang kapitan ng barko. Di makausad. Nakaangkla sa nakalipas. Paano ko lalagpasan ang mga along darating? Lulubog na lamang ba na di nasisilayan ang pag-asa? Bigyan mo ako ng direksyon. Sa ngayon, di ko alam kung saan ang tungo ng aking barko- ang aking sarili. Hayaan mo piliin kong iangat ang angkla ng barko. Nang sa gayo'y makausad na nagtitiwalang ikaw ay laging nasa piling ko. Tanging kapitan ng buhay ko. Amen.

Sanayan Lang Yan

I remember when I was in the seminary last June for my discernment, Fr. Elu Ulanday, SDB called me in his office and asked me some questions. Our talk was very casual. So light and yet so deep. He asked me, "Kumusta ung stay mo dito?" It was a very simple question, but it took me a minute to organize everything at the back of my mind to answer it. Madami kaming napagusapan about sa sagot ko about my discernment, and there was this question na, "Wala ka naman bang iba pang problema like dun sa mga ginagawa nila dito sa loob?" hehe! I smiled and told him, "Fadz, wala naman po masyado. Siguro nabibigla lang po ako sa discipline sa oras." because everything is scheduled and it would be my same routine day by day. Imagine that. "One thing more father, hehe! wala kasing time para sa paglalaba." hehe! in the seminary you wash your own clothes. Sa lahat ng sinabi ko sa kanya about the things na nahihirapan ako... about the discipline sa oras, sa paglalaba, about sa lahat ng bago sa pagkilos ko bilang ako, isa lang ang sagot nya. "Sanayan lang yan..." So to cut the long story short, di ako pumasok ng seminary. Siguro magulo para sa iba. "Pero, hindi kaya unfair naman ako kay Lord kung di ko ibibigay ang lahat kung pumasok man ako?" hindi ko naman sinasara ang tenga, puso, utak... lahat na! para sa call ni Lord. Kahit mahina pa ang ring nyan... kahit gaano pa kahina magvibrate... kung para sa akin yung call. Wala na siguro pa akong magiging dahilan para d ko sasagutin?

Sa paglabas ko akala ko at peace na ako. Di pa rin pala. Alam mo yun? Tingin ng iba eh "nakakaawa ka naman kasi hindi ka naman ganyan noon, bat ka nagakkaganyan ngaun?" and some would say, "Of all people, bakit sayo nangyayari yan?" hehe! Well, they don't know how I feel sa mga decisions na yun. Why should I be affected?ü Fr. Mon Borja, SDB once told me, "Meron tayong ibat-ibang story (vocation story). Be proud of your story! Kung hindi maganda yung reaction nila! So what. This is my story and im proud of it!"

Ngaung nasa college na ako, iba parin ang feeling kahit nasa Busko. Nalulungkot parin, hinahanap-hanap ang mga pinagagagawa ko dati, nagiisip ng mga bagay-bagay. In short d parin at peace. Ang gulo dba? and tinatanong ko pa nga... "Nakaktulong nga kaya sa akin ang pagsstay ko dito?" Well ako rin naman ang makakasagot sa mga questions na yan. Ako lang ang tutulong sa sarili ko. Its my choice to be happy. "How to do that?" is for me to know sa ngaun. Dahil siguro nga... "Sanayan lang yan..."

Prayer: Lord grant me the courage to change the things I can, to understand the things I can't and the wisdom to know the difference. Amen.

We are the Bread

Naisip kong bumili ng shirts sa Robinsons Pioneer. Sinamahan ako ni Jay kasi wala rin naman siya ginagawa. Sayang! d kami nakapanood ng Live A.I.D.S. sa UP. Ayon... pagkabili ko d na namin alam kung ano gagawin (parang ang hirap ubusin ang oras kapag malungkot ka), pumunta nalang kami ng Busko, nagkwentuhan, nalungkot, nagisip at nagdasal. Andun ang YUPPEACE, syemps andun din ang ever famous na c Enjinx and Ate OliB! meron silang meeting, buti nalang after nun merong anticipated mass. (at least meron naman nangyaring masaya sa araw ko.ü) Madalas nangyayaring para sakin ung misa. Puro patama!ü kung bala siguro yun, lasug-lasog na katawan ko.ü haaay! During the homily ang dami ko iniisip. Mga tao, mga desicions, at sarili ko ang umiikot sa utak ko. "We are the bread... we are to be shared." We are taken, blest, broken and given by christ to the world, therefore we also give life and sustains life through him. For me, ganito nga siguro ang nangyayari sakin, hinahanda tayong lahat para maishare, to be given to those in need, but before that, kailangan muna tau ibreak para maging mas madami ang matouch natin. And this is the most painful part in giving... to be broken. and still im being broken day by day kasi kulang ung ingridient nung pagiging bread ko which is so called, acceptance.

Prayer: Lord, you are the perfect example of the bread that gives life and sustains it. May you be my inspiration. That like You, I may also be the bread that gives life for the people I meet day by day... Amen.