Sumakay ka Lang

Gaya ng isang Dispatcher ng jeep,
Malakas tumawag ang Diyos.
Gagawin ang lahat,
Sumakay ka lang.

On that Tuesday Night

Tuesday evenings are reserved for Rector’s conferences. A while ago, he talked about the annual renewal of our stay as aspirants in the formation house. While we were used to talk about our application as something that transcends us above others, he recommends that we look at it as a progression, a continual process towards answering our call towards Him.
I hope that as I examine myself for the next days, God may grant me serenity to answer his call with all prudence, humility to accept and learn from the past, and the faith to look forward and continue the journey. Pray for me.

28 Years is not a Joke

Rev. Drans arrived this morning. He’s gonna stay here in Canlubang for his retreat in preparation to his very soon ordination to the priesthood on February 2 in SJB Parish and we're gonna be his choir. Rev. Bernard ‘Drans’ Nolasco, SDB has inspired me by his good night talk. His homing back in the seminary is a significant choice for him as he remembers the love story that transpired between him and God in this sacred place. Reverend, 28 years of struggle is not a joke. Yours is my salutary respect and prayers. Congratulations.

Image from http://www.sdb.ph

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Hinahanap parin Kita

Hinahanap kitang nanghihikayat
Ikaw ngang tumatawag
Hinahanap kitang nang-aakit
Ikaw ngang nananaghoy

Hinahanap kitang nagtawag
Ikaw na ipinaririto ko
Hinahanap kita pag-ibig
Ikaw na hangad ng puso

Hinahanap kita ng buong lakas
Ikaw na tumatawag sa mahina
Hinahanap kita sa luha
Ikaw ngang tanging ligaya

Hinahanap kita sa apoy
Ikaw na langit
Hinahanap kita sa kasalanan
Ikaw na kapatawaran

Hinahap kita sa kanila
Ikaw na akay ako
Hinahap kita sa dilim
Ikaw na tanglaw na pala

Hinahanap kita at dinudungaw
Ikaw na hinihintay
Hinahanap kita sa malayo
Ikaw na yakap na ako

Hinahanap parin kita

Sexuality: A Response to a Call

Sexuality transcends much than the usual norm of genital matters. It is a relational power that makes us responsible to enter into other persons’ lives and them to ours.

Sexuality is a response to a call that urges to know one’s self fully so that one could also give freely and serene. Sexuality is a response to be conscious. It is a response to a world that does not foresee effects of what could come about by just letting things happen - a skeptic view of reality, while relationships do not "just happen." Sexuality is a responsibility. It is every person’s responsibility. Hone it. Own it.

Per Severe

Just a thought: skimming through a book to pass the time, there was this weird feeling when I looked and focused to a line that says much about perseverance. I thought about the etymology of perseverance. Perseverance is rooted to the word persevere. I actually don’t know if this idea that I present existed way before I thought about it, but persevere could be divided into two basic words: per and severe. Per could mean through, taken from its Latin origin. Severe is synonymous to having a definite hardness or severity of nature or manner; being stern for that matter. Having thought of this, the word perseverance would surely give a rich and deep meaning to me even at a glance. Persevere means going “through sternness;” through hardships. It's reaching the peak that inspires to go back to the idea of climbing. It's arriving to the destination that gives the sensation to tell the story of the trip. Struggling is being a sure winner.

I feel betrayed.
I was confused between reality and fantasy.
I am angry.

What else is not Changing?

Sometime in the past, the year was new. Today, there is a newer year than that. If there is always something new in everything, that even time longs to have its major changes which affect the whole universe, what else is not changing?

Ianus is a two-headed god. One face looks back and the other looks forward. He is god of beginnings and endings. Sad or happy, bitter or sweet, despairing or faithful, all the extremities of passing motions that could be subjected to fate are all seen by his nature. He sees progressions happen. In all that he sees in the past and glimpses in the future, continuity restores the balance in what is seen – he continues to see even if something in the past or future is hurting, painful, and confusing. What else is not changing?

We’ve seen people changed for better and for worse, time felt passing slowly and rapidly, relationships ended and started anew, promises broken and renewed. What else is not changing?

I say it’s God. If change could be created by someone who is not subject to his creation, it should be someone almighty like Him. He is consistent. His love rises before the sun; his mercy endures and guards creation in the dark; he who grants changes restores everything through love – through Himself.

Defy Darkness with Friendship

Take nothing but pictures,
Leave nothing but footprints,
Kill nothing but time.

This has been a famous quote in mountain-hiking. As for me, as I enjoy Christmas vacation, I had this privilege to escape from the noise of the metropolis to my escapade at Batangas. The stay highlighted a youthful motive: to hike Mt. Maculot – our resident mountain.

Shooting two birds with one stone, the three-day stay started with the event of a friend’s house blessing and then an unplanned/unorganized/unforeseen trek towards the mountain. I thought about hiking early in the morning of the 30th but since there was this unanimous decision while I was snoring on the bed, we hiked late afternoon of the 29th right after the blessing took place.

We knew that leaving late afternoon would mean that we would reach the peak early evening of that same day. We brought extra shirts and consumable supplies that were necessary for the hike. One necessity foreseen was bringing flashlights since we knew that it would be a late-evening hike down the mountain, but we didn’t take it seriously and so we hiked without any. Actually we thought about ‘divine providence.’ Seems foolish since we defied our foresights right? Anyway, we continued the adventure!

Going up was already tiring and exhausting. Halfway towards the peak, the sunset as if told me that no light would be provided for on top – doubling the effort to hike up is necessary – it was already getting dark. A companion, Kuya Gary led the way to the top. He stopped for a while and called me. Responding to him, he instructed me to turn back and try noticing the trail. I was surprised to see nothing but dark silhouettes. I smiled and said, ‘That was nice, you should have said it earlier.’ Then we went on. Upon arriving on top, we rested for a while. We met co-hikers fully equipped with everything for an overnight stay.

An idea came to us about the possibility of staying since we were tired, but it was too cold up there, no one would survive the night without any fitting equipment. We were tired but we knew that we needed to go down and follow the plan for the day – go down without any flashlights. Good enough that we brought our mobile phones with us, the light might not be strong to guide, but it was the only option to survive. Down the mountain we went, the should-have-been thirty-minute hike down became two hours. We crawled like babies, walked like toddlers and despaired like prisoners. We kept the faith by singing all the melodies we could think of though not the world could imagine, all songs that could kill time, all genres that anyone could think of. We made it to the foot exhausted and almost desperate, but we knew that it was a thrilling, exciting, and memorable experience to be banked on our hearts.

At the end of the day, the famous quote was not realized except for the last line.

Take nothing but pictures, [but we’ve no cameras]
Leave nothing but footprints, [but we couldn’t since it was dark]
Kill nothing but time. [yeah! It was a double dead!]

Thank you Alan, Jesser, Kuya Gary, Igy, and Iman for being my companions during this very unique experience. It was my privilege to be with you.

Pag-asang Buhay

Taon ng pagbabago
Pagbabagong luma
Lumang nais baguhin
Baguhing panibago

Panibagong buhay
Buhay na ako
Akong nagbabago
Nagbabagong hirap

Hirap magbago
Magbagong patuloy
Patuloy na kailanman
Kailanma’y lalakad

Lalakad ang panahon
Panahon na luma’t bago
Bagong nagiging luma
Lumang minsa’y bago

Bago may lumilipas
Lumilipas parang tao
Taong luma’t bago
Bagong ako

Ako na minsang bago
Bagong magiging luma
Luma ma’y pag-asa
Pag-asang buhay

Ang Drama sa Pasko

Masaya ang unang pasko. Maluwalhati ang unang pasko. Higit sa lahat matensyon ang unang pasko. Si Maria, nang sabihin ng anghel na buntis s’ya hindi dahil sa isang lalaki ngunit gawa ng Espiritu Santo – Ganun? Espiritu Santo? Sinong maniniwala sa’yo? Ang labas kay Maria, disgrasyada. Kay Jose, masakit na tanggapin si Maria sa ganoon kalagayan, ikakasal na sila sa sandaling panahon – mahirap maniwala kay Maria, masakit kausapin si Maria. Magulo ang damdamin ni Jose at Maria sa unang pasko. Hindi man ipinakita sa mga kwento, marahil kung ikaw si Jose, o di kaya naman ay si Maria, anong mararamdaman mo? May ibibigat pa ba kaysa sa naramdaman nila? Ang drama sa unang pasko.

Madaming bagay na mahirap, bagamat tama. Madaming bagay na masakit, bagamat dapat. Madaming bagay na mapait, bagamat mabuti. Ito marahil ang hatid ng pasko. Isang Diyos na pinili ang hirap, sakit, at pait, dahil alam n’yang ang mga ito ang tama, dapat, at mabuti.

Nativity Picture from: http://i115.photobucket.com/albums/n292/blog_files/Nativity/NativityScene.jpg

Thinking about CHRISTmas

Problema? Madami!

Sa Caroling Concert sa DBTI Makati nung Lunes, nagbiro ako sa isang pamilyar na pari:

Father, bakit may mga Salesians na sa unang tingin lang, parang walang problema? Ang sarap nilang tingnan. Parang ang gaan sa pakiramdam - parang ikaw!

Problema? Madami! Pero itinatapon kong lahat sa Kanya (sa Diyos.) Pero sabi n’ya, Oy, magkasama tayo dito ah.

Pinipigilang maging seryoso ang usapan, napatahimik ako, lumayong dahan-dahan at di nagpahalatang naantig ang puso; tinamaan ako.

May katotohanang nananatili sa puso ng paring ‘yon. Alam n'yang kasama n’ya ang Diyos. Ibinibigay na n’ya ang lahat araw-araw. Magaling s’ya ngunit hindi mayabang. Sa buhay-pari n'ya, alam n’yang hindi n’ya kayang wala S’ya (ang Diyos), magkasama lagi sa lahat ng problema.

Masmasarap pala ang pakiramdam na alam mong may kasama ka sa daan kaysa sa pagmasdan ang iba na tila walang problema.

Kwarto

Ng: Sugarfree

Maglilinis ako ng aking kwarto
Na punong-puno ng galit at damit
Mga bagay na hindi ko na kailangan
Nakaraang hindi na pwedeng pagpaliban

Oohh… Oohh…

Mga liham ng nilihim kong pag-ibig
At litrato ng kahapong maligalig
Dahan-dahan kong inipon
Ngunit ngayo’y kailangan nang itapon

Di ko na kayang mabuhay sa kahapon
Kaya mula ngayon, mula ngayon

May jacket mong nabubulok sa sulok
Na inaalikabok na sa lungkot
May panyong ilang ulit nang niluhaan
Isang patak sa bawat beses na tayo’y nasaktan

Mula ngayon

Ala-ala ng lumuluhang kahapon
Dahan-dahan ko na ring kinakahon
Natagpuan ko na ang tunay kong ligaya
Lumabas ako ng kwarto’t naroon siya

Magpapaalam na sa ‘yo ang aking kwarto
Magpapaalam na sa ‘yo
Magpapaalam na sa ‘yo ang aking kwarto

Sa aking pakikinig sa “Kwarto” ng Sugarfree, isa lang ang naiisip ko – Kumpisal. Ako ang kwarto. Sa aking paglabas-pasok ay pinagamasadan pala ng Pag-ibig. Nandyan Siya, naghihintay pa rin.

Love of my L.I.F.E

For the past week, we’ve been discussing differences in relationships. They could be categorized in four general fields. We call it L.I.F.E: Love, Infatuation, Friendship, and Exploitation.

Let me focus on love. Love is commonly believed as a give-and-take relationship, but actually it’s never like that. It’s unconditionally a give-give-give relationship. “Nemo dat quod non habet.” Nobody gives what one doesn't have.

An example could be like this: I cry because I broke-up with my girlfriend, but to whom am I really weeping for? If those tears are for me because I feel emptiness in me, therefore I have not loved but more of infatuated since am only attracted to her presence. I feel the need of her presence masked by so many other created reasons. Life is not worth living since she left me here all alone. This is never love but infatuation.

Love your neighbor + as you love yourself. The Lord commands that we should love ourselves, with a condition, “as you love yourself.” This is a very particular commandment from God. He could have just commanded to love our neighbor, yet he gives distinction to this.

The love I project to others is the love I have for myself. This is the same quality of love that one could give to the other. And so, love could only be realized if one is overflowing of love for himself. All the rest of love pouring out from him could be given to the other with the assurance from him of being stable and capable to love always.

Christ Revealed in the Disabled

It was a grace-filled experience to be part of the People with Disability (PWD) Day in Don Bosco Makati last Sunday, Dec. 2, 2007.

I was a volunteer caregiver of three recipients: Kuya Abe and Kuya Ed who were both lame, and Rochelle who has down-syndrome. I was with them the whole day. Honestly, it was really difficult for me to be a caregiver since am not patient; nevertheless we acknowledged the presence of one another. At the end of the day, we have to separate ways, and say our goodbyes. That ends my task for the day.

It was a tiring day. I did my duty, but at the end of everything, am faced with many questions before the Lord. I did my duty but was I able to “be” with them: to touch their lives for a moment, a moment that could be treasured for a lifetime? Was I able to share my life or just my time and my physical presence? I felt that I missed the point of that day since I looked at it as a mere duty. Perhaps, this also gives me the reason why I respect guardians taking care of disabled people.

I am guilty and at the same time grateful. I felt that I wasn’t able to bring Christ to them; otherwise they brought Christ to me. It shakes me to realize these matters. After that Saturday, my affection for the disabled people sinks to the reserved section of my heart. It was my pleasure being with you Kuya Abe, Kuya Ed, and Rochelle, for God is with you. Thank you for the presence. Thank you for bringing God with you.

His Hero's Journey

The journey of a thousand miles starts with a step, just as the journey of a hero starts with a decision. The first battles of a hero start at home. There he struggles and learns the primal matters for survival. There he feels the loveliest years of life: a hero’s childhood.

From the home, he travels to the meadows, mountains, forests, rivers; searching for his treasure that home once taught him to realize; a hero in the making. There he fights his battles, side-by-side with the Providence through his heart. He is born to battle. He is a hero.

He thinks about many things in the journey: love, women, sex, entertainment, prayer, and survival with all his heroic prudence. He thinks about anything under the great sun.

Once, he thought about happiness, thought about the love he left, women loved, curiosities passed, friends met, prayers doubted and graced, and how he survived for the time that he has been journeying. He asked and even doubted if he has become, and is happy being a hero. He despairs for a moment, and then again thought about his being.

I am a hero, I fight my own battles. I am a hero, winning means struggling. I am a hero, I didn’t choose to be one, but I was made one by Providence. Am I happy? Not quite, but the extremities of both sides of happiness and despair puts me in the middle and learns the virtue in between. I am happy yet loaded with all the problems imaginary and real that the journey offers a hero: am at ease and still searches for my Providence from whom I could ask for my treasure and thank for making me His hero.

He goes home after a long battle and celebrates his struggles. Either win or lose, he homes back and rest for a while. Gains strength and readies himself for another journey.

You are the hero of many people.
You are the hero of yourself.
You are the hero of the Providence.

Be one.

This composition is offered to a discouraged companion very dear to my heart.

Love Fears Nothing

What is love? If you'd ask John Denver, he would perhaps say that:

Perhaps love is like a resting place, a shelter from the storm
It exists to give you comfort, it is there to keep you warm
And in those times of trouble when you are most alone
The memory of love will bring you home

Perhaps love is like a window, perhaps an open door
It invites you to come closer, it wants to show you more
And even if you lose yourself and don't know what to do
The memory of love will see you through

Love to some is like a cloud, to some as strong as steel
For some a way of living, for some a way to feel
And someone say love is holding on and some say letting go
And some say love is everything, and some say they don't know

Perhaps love is like the ocean, full of conflict, full of pain
Like a fire when it's cold outside, thunder when it rains
If I should live forever, and all my dreams come true
My memories of love will be of you

Love may not be defined completely by this song “Perhaps Love,” nevertheless my own version tells me that there is a higher choice in discovering love. I think that is the choice to decide: love is decision, and fear is always intertwined with it. The challenge would normally go like, how much love did you give? But more so, how much love would you still able to give without the fear? Then faith is realized.

Di Makausad

Minsan nga’y may himig na narinig.
Himig na tumatawag at nang-aakit.
Sinasambit ay ngalan kong ibig.
Ako nama’y nakinig.

Madilim at kulob.
Malamig din sa loob.
Dinig pati lagaslas ng tubig.
Sinundan parin and tinig.

Tanging dala’y sarili.
Ni anong ilaw ay wala.
Kani-kanina’y lagusay tanaw pa.
Tanaw dati’t ngayo’y hindi na.

Nasaan ako?
Nanlalamig na’t nagugutom.
Kumukulo ang tiyan
Tila mga kawayang naglalagutukan.

Natatakot sa hindi nakikita.
Nabibingi sa katahimikan.
Gaspang lang tanging dama.
Tinig ay nananaghoy pa.

Di na nga makausad.
Nanginginig sa pagnanais humakbang.
Ayoko na!
Ngunit naririnig parin kita.